Exhaustion

First off, I want to apologize for being so off kilter lately! My posting this last month has been absolutely pitiful. This week’s topic is more intangible than my basic blog posts about styles, motivation, or techniques. We are going to talk exhaustion!

It comes from so many different sources. Being drug down from disgusting weather, the drive for your passion leaving you in the dust, and suffering from depression, are just a few things that can churn up some serious exhaustion. One thing for sure is that it’s always hard to handle. Really, how are you supposed to do the stuffs, if you can’t even get up and grab a drink?

Sometimes it visits for a week and in other cases, it sets up camp for a year. This entire year I’ve been suffering from some pretty serious exhaustion. I get up at 5:20 a.m. every school day to make breakfast & pack lunches for my kiddos. Often, halfway through frying bacon, I’ve got to park it in a chair. I'm not a morning person by any means, but this is a new level of ridiculousness, even for me.

Along with being so tired, I’ve lost my luster; there’s been no desire to grab my camera as I walk out the door, for anything. I thought forcing it would kick my creativity back in gear, so I tried a few times, but these attempts are usually big fat fails. You can tell when my heart is not in my images it because the product of my effort just sucks (see below).

 

This was around January. I have no idea what I was trying to do anymore. The harder I tried to make it happen, the more I hated it. I pushed on and finished it regardless, but this is a perfect example of one of my 2019 Fails of the Year.

It all started around Christmas & just got worse. I started gaining weight, my photography was extremely BLAH, and I just felt terrible about everything. In April, I finally understood why; I found out I was pregnant. Shocked? Yes, yes I absolutely was. I still am. Everything I had planned for my life has now been completely altered. I also have been suffering from some slight anemia. This entire year has been a huge mess of Murphy’s Law. I’ve been so tired, winded, stressed, let down, and nothing has gone the way it should. But the light bulb was finally on, so that all finally made sense. I'm going to be completely honest with all of you, even though I knew what my issue was, I still wasn't thrilled at all! 

People don’t like to talk about pregnancy and kids with any kind of negativity, but seriously, I had goals in place that have to take a back seat, again, because my kids come first. I stay home with full time and don’t have a nanny, babysitter, or backup plan to make my photography front & center. I do understand kids are little only once, that you can’t get that back; you have to enjoy it as much as possible. Besides, they are MY kids; for me, this means they are not going to be raised by anyone else. They are my responsibility.  My hat’s off to you mothers that go to work and put your children in daycare, grandma’s house, or with a babysitter; I can’t imagine having to make that decision. There is no judgment here on your parenting decisions because it’s all hard! I am fortunate to have a husband that goes to work so I can stay home with mine, even when they drive me crazy.

 

Faceless Self Portrait. I hate this one too, which is why you've never seen it before. Horrible year for photography production! At least I can laugh about it, I guess.

Anyhow, a lot of my stress was lifted when I had my ultrasound because I was informed that I am having my first girl. Not just any girl, but an October girl, due a few days after my birthday. This is pretty amazing because my mom & I both have October birthdays and it was always kind of a special things between us. Now that I am without her, it makes this coincidence significant (although I don't believe it's coincidence).

I’m still tired. I’m still not doing much photography wise either. Now I have two kids in school (Christian started Kindergarten this year), so I have double the homework, lunches, & laundry on top of being an old pregnant lady with anemia & my first back to school cold. But things aren't quite as bad and I’m able to get off of the couch, & take an occasional nap!

Since things are on a more positive trend, I have pulled off some images that I am proud of. It took me all year to have someone over for portraits, but I pulled them off and I'm absolutely proud of them because they are gorgeous. And I can now see that not everything I've taken this year has been terrible, it's just been a year of slow progress, in contrast to last year. I've tried and learned some new things, I've made some memorable art and am much less hard on myself. I'm working more on sight words than photography inspiration, have been swapping bedrooms instead of having sessions, brainstorming for names & shopping for nursery decor instead of reading photography articles all night.

It’s crazy how life strays from the road you see under your feet. We really have no idea where we’re going, let alone do we control it. Steer as you might, you can never be sure where you'll land. And as someone who's a little obsessive compulsive, it's taken me 9 months to realize that's okay too.

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